The good news is, if you can reach climax while using a vibrator on your own, you'll likely achieve the same result during intimate moments with your partner. It's important to know that your situation is common and not surprising at all.
Vibrators are super effective for orgasms. They deliver strong, steady stimulation that many people need for reaching climax. Plus, they can be a lot of fun.
On the flip side, many folks don't learn ways to engage in sexual activities that offer enough stimulation for orgasm. This often stems from a lack of sex education and societal hang-ups about intimacy, especially if you're expecting orgasm only from traditional intercourse.
Several factors could be hindering your ability to orgasm with your partner. Have you ever experienced climax with another partner? If so, do you notice anything different about that partner?
People sometimes believe they're not orgasming due to issues in their relationship. However, achieving climax in a committed, loving relationship can be challenging for some. It might feel odd or even intimidating to let go with a partner you care deeply about, compared to someone who's practically a stranger.
Not Enough Stimulation, or the Wrong Kind of Stimulation for You
If you're not reaching orgasm because the stimulation during sex with your partner isn't enough, this is an easy problem to tackle.
Vibrators go above and beyond what the human body can do. Consider how much stimulation you actually need. Your body might crave a higher level of stimulation, especially if you're used to the intense sensations from a magic wand massager. Keep in mind that these devices are primarily for deep tissue massages, so expecting the same stimulation from your partner might not be realistic.
If you own a rabbit-type vibrator, you know it provides dual stimulation (clitoral and g-spot), which traditional intercourse can't replicate since it only stimulates the g-spot.
Good bullet vibrators and clitoral suckers offer specific types of stimulation focused on the clitoris, but they aren't as powerful as other vibrators. To guide your partner in providing similar effects, have an open conversation. Clearly express your preferences – whether it's using fingers, tongue, or any other body part. With practice, you'll likely achieve the desired outcome.
For gay couples using male sex toys, the same principles apply. Depending on the type of male vibrator, guide your partner on where to focus efforts. Teach preferences for prostate massagers or suggest using fingers if anal vibrators are your go-to and anal penetration falls short.
Now that you know the issue is insufficient stimulation, communicate with your partner about your needs. Learn techniques (using hands, mouth, or other body parts) and specify preferred areas for touch or massage. It might feel awkward initially, but discussing and finding solutions is crucial.
Medications can also impact orgasm difficulty. If you're on medication, especially without a vibrator, orgasm challenges become more apparent. Consult your doctor about this if you're currently on medication.
My primary recommendation is to introduce a vibrator into your partnered play. Begin by masturbating with your vibrator while in the same room, progressing to incorporating it during sex play with your partner. Hold the vibrator yourself initially, then try having your partner hold it with your guidance. Using a vibrator is a legitimate part of intimate experiences.
If achieving orgasm with your partner without a vibrator is your goal, it's possible but may take time and experimentation. Both partners need to be open to trying new things.
The Problems of the Relationship
If someone struggles to orgasm with a partner, it could sometimes be linked to other issues within the relationship. If you're content with your partner and relationship, don't automatically assume there's an unknown problem.
However, it's valuable to reflect on various aspects of your relationship and evaluate your feelings towards them.
Issues might involve money, work, your living situation, or family dynamics. It could even be tied to a past event that you both avoid discussing but still affects your sense of security or happiness.
Compulsive, Negative Experiences
Reaching orgasm requires letting go of inhibitions, focusing on oneself, and dropping our guard, making us vulnerable. Achieving this alone is easier than when someone else is present.
It might be linked to a past coercion experience or a distressing encounter that didn't feel coercive or aggressive. Reflect on any changes preventing you from relaxing with your current partner if you previously orgasmed with others.
If you've never orgasmed with a partner, pay attention to differences in your thoughts, feelings, and physical experiences when alone versus with them. You might notice increased tension, insecurity, or anxiety with your partner, hindering orgasm.
In such cases, no amount of practice may solve the issue. If your relationship with your partner is solid, consider discussing it. If unsure, talk to a counselor or trusted friend first, then involve your partner in the conversation.
Relaxation is Necessary
Another possibility is that there isn't a specific cause for the difficulty. It could be that achieving orgasm with your partner during sex is challenging due to trouble relaxing.
Our sexual response is sensitive and can be influenced by habits. If you didn't orgasm initially and are now constantly thinking and worrying about it, it might be causing issues. Sexual performance anxiety, though a mental challenge, can be powerful and doesn't often resolve on its own.
If you suspect this is the issue, there are a few things to try:
Start with deep breathing – it may sound simple, but it's a good starting point.
If anxiety or nervousness is present, talk to your partner about it.
Keeping these concerns to yourself will make it harder to overcome.
Consider consulting a sex therapist, either individually or with your partner.
The Bottom Line: You Can Learn to Orgasm with a Partner if You Can Orgasm Alone
It might not happen quickly or easily, especially in a romantic relationship, which can be frustrating and may feel like a betrayal.
However, there might be a gap between your body, mind, and feelings. The convergence of two bodies always adds complexity, and it's common for many people to struggle with achieving orgasm with a partner, despite what is portrayed in the media. Recognize that change is not only possible but likely if it proves rewarding and you work together.